Start a new blog? Meh. Meanwhile I’ll just continue here.
The shift is slow but I see it happening. I mostly get emotional about S in a sentimental way. I love her to pieces. She’s still heartbreakingly beautiful and when I’m near her I feel drawn to her from every angle. But I do not carry excitement about whatever might be next at the personal level. The feelings are about connection and respect and affection and a wealth of memories that can never be approximated in any future version of us.
I canceled the trip by which I was going to meet up with someone new (see prior rambleation) because I realized I couldn’t afford even one week off the hunt for income. The night before I had intended to leave I went to a little meetup for a BDSM group based in the East Bay that has a few people up here. It was a fun little gathering at a bar and grill where most people were watching the NFL draft and we were talking (not quietly) about polyamory and dungeons.
I have no experience with dungeons and come off as pretty vanilla in the BDSM test but I have experienced some excitement tying someone up and want to try being on the receiving end too, and the group in question seems pretty safe and unintimidating, so there I was. There were only half a dozen of us and I didn’t say much because I often never do but afterwards I found myself in conversation with someone who was there for the first time, out in the bar, for an hour. Next day she invited me to dinner and we talked for a long time at that too. Two days later we were at a concert she had extra tickets for, a very small intimate affair with three musicians and not much more than a dozen in the audience, and on the walk through a park back to the car I took her hand and drove matters as one may under a full moon, and we decided we really like each other.
She’s not like many others I’ve dated. She’s not needy. She’s not in yet-to-be-managed pain. She doesn’t need rescuing. She’s neither tall nor slender. She’s highly confident and has a history of taking no prisoners. She doesn’t fit into the pattern I need to break. I’m very pleased with these things.
She’s away this weekend. Meanwhile the other young lady mentioned above (birthday party) invited me to be her plus one at a DJ-fueled brunch this coming Saturday afternoon. It is not a Cinco de Mayo thing. I’m happy to be going but I’m finding interesting things going on inside of me. This young lady and I made out a little too, some weeks ago, though not nearly as intensely. She likes me and that, and I like her, but it’s just not the same (at present) and I find I have to be really super clear with myself as to what I am doing. If I find I am going to be in any way distracted by thought of the one not there, and thus not fully present, then the usually very welcome idea that our afternoon date might stretch through the rest of the weekend has to be considered very carefully. I have no problem managing the open dating, questions if any, avoiding sentiments that are not real, loving the one I’m with. The polyamory side is not a mystery to me. The mystery is, to what extent does being distracted (if I am) indicate I’m not really made for polyamory after all?
That’s possible. People fool themselves all the time to get what they think they want. They will put enormous effort into fitting into a world they have chosen for various reasons, without it actually being true for them. I did that to some extent over the past several years (just how is yet TBD).
Well, no, I think it’s just that the NRE with one overwhelms the NRE with the other. It can all work well. Just have to be real, really real, really.
On to the oogy stuff. By now we’ve all had various careers and been various people. The one I’m not (in this instant) as drawn to was a professional dominatrix at some point (let’s call her A). The other liked me in part because I am beginning to explore tantra but her interest went up a notch when I mentioned shibari (let’s call her B). I haven’t gotten anywhere with that, but one of my best friends is studying it and since I’m moving in with him soon I expect to start learning. So I’m thinking, hmm, A has skills I want to learn about, and B wants to be my rope bunny. Both of them are in the category of being independent, in need of no rescue, and neither tall nor slender. Interesting times ahead.