Who knew one could be so bold? I have so much to learn, and I want to learn more of it, and faster.
We were signed up for a sarasa tantra retreat in a luxurious woodland setting, a long weekend of fine food amongst other couple, singles, and groups to learn and practice methods and techniques of intimacy. Various factors to do with family and business led my partner to decide to bow out. But she encouraged me to stick to plan.
“You should go. You will get a lot out of it. Me, maybe not so much.”
“Ask someone to go with you.”
My list of acceptable someones else was quite small. It numbered two. And after some discussion of what was going on in the life of one of them, it was reduced to one.
“Isn’t it kind of crazy?” I asked. “Here I’m going to invite someone to a tantric yoga weekend whom I’ve never gone out with, never even so much as made out with at a party.”
“So these women,” I said, feeling out the overall situation for future reference. “I’m extremely picky. They have to be smart and confident, they have to like me, and they have to completely accept our situation. I don’t want much from them. Sometimes I wonder what I want, what they have that you don’t.”
“Boobs.” She laughed.
I shrugged. “Yeah.”
“They have big tits and I don’t. I’m fine with that. Ask her.”
So I did. I asked a woman who’s amazing, really, someone I admire and knows it, someone who admires me back and has said so, whom I’ve never done anything with but talk to, maybe dance a little, a brilliant, quiet, glasses-wearing book-reading redhead whose boyfriend recently moved in with her and her husband. And she was flattered, and said several times she would normally make adjustments to go to this thing with me, but this one time has an unbreakable commitment and, alas, cannot go.
I was lifted by her encouraging attitude about the whole thing, and especially lifted by the supportive outlook of the woman who loves me. I never knew I could be so bold. This was a true revelation. That aside, I will be going to this retreat without knowing a soul, which is probably best anyway. I can then open up without worrying about anyone else and maximize whatever lessons I will be there to receive. Mostly breathing exercises, I guess, though the list of things to bring includes a blindfold, as well as “something that makes you feel sacred and sexy” to wear for pujas and rituals, so who knows.
I’m just moved to write about how blessed I am in this short-lived phase of my life which, like all phases, must be appreciated in the moment and not just rushed through and (hopefully) remembered later. Why I should write more but of course I don’t.