Deconstructing Reluctance

I rarely know when starting a new post if the effort will just sort of end about halfway through and never get published. Sometimes one just wants to write in a more public space.

But not too public. That’s what Teeter Tottering is supposed to be for. Clearly I’ve had little to say that I want to put there.

My job search hasn’t really started yet. I mean really started, as in treated like a job worked on for several hours every day. A part of me just doesn’t want to. For example, I got a query letter yesterday from a recruiter describing a contract job that touches on all the right skills. I replied, and he replied asking for a phone number so we could talk. Suddenly I’m all NOOO AAAH MUST CLEAN POOL. I’ll have to do it soon. But. But!

But what? I’m not ready, as in I haven’t been studying up on the things I know and the things I want to know better in order to give a good interview. I’m still in the space where if I go to an interview I’ll just wing it with whatever I happen to have. And that isn’t good enough by any stretch.

And why haven’t I been preparing? Well, beyond the attractive alternatives that surround me (and I’m told that a feature of being ADD is that when faced with multiple tasks, it’s very hard to tell which ones are important), I have to recognize that when in my office my mind reflects my environment, and this place is ridiculous. I’ve known for months that a necessity for working again has been to clean up and organize this place. Well, I did that for the garage pretty well. But I have a lot of shit that can’t go in the garage or the attic or anywhere else — I have a desk covered in whatever whatever that is two and a half feet away from the wall because that wall is hidden behind tall stacks of boxes — and I also have a table covered in whatever whatever plus computer stand, printer, monitor, and attendant wires, and stretched between them a workbench made of boards on which I repaired a laptop or phone or two but which is also covered with whatever whatever. Before I really fix up this room I need to deal with all this whatever whatever, and it is really hard to classify and deploy. It’s nearly axiomatic that a pile of whatever is made up of things that didn’t have a place to go hence still do not have a place to go. If not the trash, then I need to define yet another place for each of those things to go. And that quickly becomes an overwhelming and intimidating idea.

I was successful though in doing so in the garage. It still has large artworks and octahuts and supplies and pieces and things, but it also has walking room and working room and more shelves serving as places to keep things I want access to such as cable ties and shop manuals and tools. I was successful because I just went in and did it. I’ve been successful with a similar process in the office only when I’m willing to haul a bunch of shit out into the hallway and leave it there while dealing with other stuff — and then go through both sets of stuffs and find things to sell / donate / shitcan. I guess my plan for the remainder of today can be a) finish extracting leaves from the pool despite the cold weather because tomorrow is the green-waste pickup, b) call that guy and talk about hardware engineering contracts, and c) process this pile of receipts, file that pile of papers, and then “deploy” more of this crap. What crap? Fine, here’s a picture.

“Office”, 30 Nov 2016

2 thoughts on “Deconstructing Reluctance

  1. I heard and podcast about getting in charge of our lives that the idea that you have to start with an organized environment is too inhibiting for some types. Just hit the things you need to do, that are most urgent, grabbing just the things you need at the moment to get the task done.


  2. I’ve learned to adapt to the multiple distractions of a messy environment but it’s always stressful. I feel it would be awesome if I could always remove from sight everything not part of the project du jour. But failing that, having a place for everything helps a lot too. It’s a constant battle but I’ve learned over time it’s one I really have to win so that I can move forward.


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